The email started out innocently enough:
In a season of celebrations, you're attending holiday parties, class and work—not to mention being there for your friends and family.
Translation: You're being painfully reminded of how bad it sucks not to have any free time.
The text went on:
As you experience this season of high demands, remember—you'll be entering the new year with additional coursework completed and you'll be that much closer to receiving your diploma.
Translation: We know you want to quit. Please don't!
The entreaty ensued:
You wouldn't get off a plane or train before reaching your destination, so stay focused on your arrival.
Translation: We'll abandon subtlety if it keeps you on board.
The final plea:
If you need support to keep going, please call your academic counselor. We are here to help you. You've made a commitment to earn your degree. We are committed to assisting you in completing your program of study.
Translation: We'll do just about anything to keep your tuition money around. Anything!
Helping students stay on track, particularly when they are tempted to quit, is a laudable goal. But given the lackadaisical attitude Phoenix apparently has towards blatant plagiarism in the online classrooms, I am given to view this email with a more cynical eye.
I have my own message for the bottom third of my fellow students in my master's course of study: writing three sentences a week doesn't cut it. You are wasting precious time and a good deal of money on a degree that will get you nowhere. You will be exposed for the fraud you are if you try to leverage your dubiously earned education. Do us all a favor, and don't come back in 2009. Your prose is giving me headaches every week as I try to make sense of your many misspellings, typos, grammatical errors, and convoluted logic. There is no shame in admitting your limits.
Hey, somebody has to clean the toilets at McDonald's.
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